Thank You UPS – a DILF Moment, maybe…

So about 1973? or so I was working as an admissions clerk at a rural hospital. Paying my way through the UC system. I’d decided I didn’t like being dependent on my parents. I like to tell myself it was due to their modest means, but really it was so I didn’t have to take any “advice” from them. The old “my money my rules” thing. Except they had NEVER been judgmental at me and NEVER said anything close to that. Not “controlling” at all. Yet I wanted zero obligation. Just a “me and liberty” thing. Realize my parents were teenagers when they met during W.W.II and by the time I was in college, they had been through a World War, married, had a first kid, and for my Mum, moved to another continent. I figured I ought to be at least as capable of handling independence as them… Plus, Dad was sort of ‘semi-retired’ in that he ran a few rental houses he had bought, but in rural land, money was not in free supply… So I felt obligated to pull my own weight, plus some, maybe.

So I’d picked up a job that pretty much covered my costs. I still needed to work full boat “balls to the wall” in the summer at the peach cannery to make enough to get through the school year, but I was able to tell my folks “Thanks, but I don’t need you paying my bills now”. I think I saw a bit of pride in my Dad’s eyes, then. He had an Amish Mom, and the Amish find Pride Is A Sin, so showing a bit of pride was a pretty big deal, IMHO.

So that’s the “back story”. I’m in school, working pretty much as much as possible while carrying a full load at UC, and trying to make my own place in the world.

So I’m at the little ( 60 bed ) rural hospital a dozen miles from campus and I’m handling pretty much everything that is “office related” on weekends. That’s Admissions, radio to the local ambulance service, helping the occasional nurse need for a bit of beef to help “turn a patient” (Male Nurses were not common then, so a Big Guy – 100 kilos – to help was an advantage not to be wasted…. Even got pulled into the ER once as a Spanish / English translator – this was when translation wasn’t mandated and was more catch as catch can…)

So here I was, typing up 7 layer Real Carbon Copy admissions forms. Things where ANY typo required 7 layers of “white out” and a retype… Let’s just say my 52 WPM was closer to 25 when doing them… Well, anyone who types much knows that long fingernails either get PRECISELY placed outside the key, or you must file them back to avoid a very unpleasant nail bed insult. So opening the drawer I found where one of the other “office girls” had left a very nice emery board in the drawer. I decided I needed to shorten the nails.

Now picture this: A 100 kilo semi-buff guy leaning back in the chair “doing his nails”… and in comes the UPS Dialy Delivery. Remember, this is the ’70s… I have one leg crossed over the other, filing away and blowing off the dust… Through the wall of glass, I see the brown UPS shirt and a large package on the shoulder…

Now the fun starts.

She looks over at me and does a ‘double take’ while I’m noticing she is a she and do a double take. We both realize that we are “way out of gender role” for the era… Me “doing my nails” and her with a box on her shoulder. I need to put down my nail file, uncross my legs, and sign for the shipment. She needs to place the large box where I can get it and put in in the back room… We are BOTH grinning at each other and both very well aware we are in “inverse roles”. It was a bit magical for both of us, as in that era pretty much 99.99999% of UPS drivers were men and admissions clerks were women. Yeah, it was a ‘special moment’ for both of us as we recognized each other breaking stereotypes.

So that “magic moment” from the ’70s has stuck with me for decades, never ever approached for the special character of it.

Until today.

Fast Forward 40 Years

So the spouse had ordered 3 or 4 book cases about a year ago. I dutifully assembled each one as it arrived. I got “tired of this shit” and the last one to arrive stayed in the box for about a year…. Leaning against the wall. In my own defense, the formaldehyde from the pressed board was making me a bit ill on the first batch and I decided to just let it slowly de-gas in the carton… then, well, I didn’t want to deal with it.

So today I finally decided to “put it together”. Now the weather lately has been 90s F to 100 F and we have a tiny window A/C that the spouse does not to like to run as the vibrations give her headaches. Well, it is cooler today than yesterday and that’s cooler than 2 days ago. I have ice, quinine water, and gin. OK, that means I’m “good to go”… So I decide to assemble the Last Bookcase….

Now this is a bit indelicate, but I’m going to plead “cultural privilege”… I have a strong Celtic thread running through my self image, and the Celts often fought in the nude. It makes sense, you dissipate the most heat that way, and it was hot… It wasn’t kinky or anything I think…

So I’m assembling this bookcase “in the nude” with hammers and screwdrivers and such, at a bit before noon, so it isn’t exactly cool. I’ve got a bit of that “patina of sweat” on me and I’m about 1/2 way done. Now it’s been a few years since I regularly did Karate training, but I’m still fairly well muscled in the arms and shoulders, with only a bit of “love handles” at the waist. I’m a Smith, after all, and we tend to the strong shoulders, strong arms, shaped like 1500s body armour breast plate sort of look. And I’m hammering and doing my thing….

Across the street, out the office window, I see the UPS truck park in the shade…. Oh Damn. The spouse has been ordering all sorts of stuff for the impending “Daughter Wedding”… OK, I run to the bedroom and pull on some boxers. It ought to be FINE for the “UPS Guy”…

And I dash to the Front Door as the shadow of “Person with Package” falls on the lace curtains….

Then It Happens…

OK, I’m “good enough” and I throw open the front door and say “just put it inside on the tile”!

Now I’m looking at a “rather buff” Hispanic “20 something” or maybe early 30s. Dark shiny thick hair in a stereotypical bun as SHE places the large package in the hallway…. Her hair would be wavy or in curls once out of the tight large bun… She is a bit warm from the weather, and our eyes meet. She has “scanned me” and knows I’m here in the hallway in my underwear …

There are times when time stops. There are folks who have a great “people reader” and folks who have none. Sometimes they all collide.

So I have a great people reader. Some years back I finally understood how it works. “Micro expressions” are invisible to many folks. To me, they are blatant. I think this is due to a very fast visual processor. In any case, I see “thoughts” flicker over folks faces in near real time.

Now I’m going to describe something that elapsed in about 4 seconds. It will take minutes to “get it”. But such is life….

I suddenly realize the “UPS Guy” isn’t of the “male persuasion”. She takes my direction to “place it in the hallway” as I’d pulled the door open in front of her, and does, in fact, place a large box on the tile. I see her noticing that I’m not all flab and have some muscle definition while standing in the hallway in my “lingerie”… she sees me noticing that she is a she, and has her own “bit of sweat” glisten along with the “hair in a bun but can do locks and curls” and is a bit “buff” from running and schlepping packages of various weights all day… Yes, it is “Deja Vu All Over Again”…

I suddenly realize I’m the “House Wife” (or perhaps “House Husband” is more accurate) meeting the “Delivery Guy” at the door in my lingerie and an invite inside the door… She enjoys the moment…

Now I can’t say why.

Was it a momentary “flicker” of “Hey, I could boff this guy and he’s not all bad”? Was it “Hey, we’re in a role reversal… Sweet!”. Was it just “OMG I can NOW tell the guys over the post run break-room banter “Yeah, I had a lingerie moment. “I could have ‘done the guy’ but hey, I don’t want to punch below my weight”… and be one of the guys…

I have no idea.

All I know is was for a brief moment (no pun intended on ‘briefs’ OK?) we had that same “connection”. We both knew we were living a stereotype, but from the other side…

And no, I don’t expect anything to happen.

Did I mention the spouse signed up for Amazon Prime? And I could order lots of cheap things and have UPS deliver them “next day”… I might see my way clear to order a $5 thing-a-day until She comes back again…

Does anyone know if UPS accepts tips to drivers?…

Role Reversal, you say that like it is a Bad thing…

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About E.M.Smith

A technical managerial sort interested in things from Stonehenge to computer science. My present "hot buttons' are the mythology of Climate Change and ancient metrology; but things change...
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9 Responses to Thank You UPS – a DILF Moment, maybe…

  1. D. J. Hawkins says:

    Hilarious! I’ve been sheltered from those moments by the vagaries of chance, but I can enjoy the visualization of your experience.

  2. Lynn Clark says:

    About 37 years ago I worked second shift, so would usually take a shower around 3:30pm in the standalone shower in the downstairs bathroom. One day a female family friend — and member of the same church — was going to stop by sometime that afternoon to pick up some moving boxes. The house was a “split-level” house with a ground floor and six-steps-down lower level and six-steps-up upper level where the master bedroom was. The stairs going down and up were adjacent off of the front room just feet from the front door. As was my usual habit, I ran upstairs after my shower in the buff. Nobody home but my wife and a couple toddlers, both down for naps, so no problem right? Except this time as I came bounding up the stairs the thought flashed through my mind that the family friend should be along any time, so I’d better not linger. You can guess what happened. As I came bounding two-at-a-time up the stairs into the living room I noticed my wife standing there near the stairs, and as I charged into the living room I saw the family friend standing just inside the front door looking straight at me, eyes wide. I’m sure it didn’t really happen, but in my mind I paused in mid-stride, in mid-air like Wile E Coyote long enough to put everything in reverse and bound backwards back down the stairs, out of sight. A moment later my wife gave me the “All clear” and I bounded back up the stairs, making the U-turn to the other set of stairs faster than usual, while the family friend stood facing the front door with her back to me. After I quickly put on some clothes in the bedroom, we all had a good laugh about it while I retrieved the moving boxes from the garage rafters. That particular family friend and I never thereafter shared a look without an almost-imperceptible grin appearing on our faces.

  3. jim2 says:

    You might want to avoid flashy, red sports cars for a while, EM.

  4. Larry Ledwick says:

    I keep a pair of running shorts or cut off jean shorts handy for such situations. The UPS folks tend to deliver packages just as I am getting up and getting a morning shower since I work night shift.
    Being able to quickly step into something is handy.

    Back when I was in my late 20’s I had a job delivering pizza in the evenings to raise a little extra spending money, and had a somewhat similar situation develop. The shop got a call for a pizza delivery just minutes before we closed. Turns out the lady that lived at that house had a bit of a reputation. She would show up at the door wearing only a skin tight spandex yoga outfit with clearly nothing else under it. It was a bit of a challenge to hand her the pizza and make change without staring, but I sorta managed to be professional.

  5. philjourdan says:

    UPS does not accept tips. But even though unionized, I have noticed they know their regulars and actually work with them to schedule deliveries. My UPS driver noted my work schedule and purposefully scheduled “sign for” packages after the time I normally arrived home. He did this on his own volition. I tried to tip him once and was told, they were not allowed to take gratuities.

    As for your encounter, it seems just the micro-tells made some old man feel like a young buck again. ;-)

  6. Pingback: Thank You UPS – a DILF Moment, maybe… | Musings from the Chiefio | Cranky Old Crow

  7. u.k.(us) says:

    Pretty funny story, still wondering just exactly what a DILF is ??
    (I dare ya ).

  8. E.M.Smith says:

    UM… Like MILF, but starts with Dad… you know, Dad I’d Liketo “Friend”….

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